Mopar Muscle Association UK

Have a read

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_c ... cle/11975/

Truthfully. I was in tears reading that. I had to stuff a large paper towel in my mouth while my colleague was on the phone to a customer.

" more mustard than a man could eat in a month".

Very well written...and so funny its painful, well for him anyway
Should be given free flights for life

An absolute masterpiece

ah excellent

reminds me of the

"family sized imperial leather" tirade that was floating about a while ago


very good indeed

Dave

Could well have been written by yourself I think Dave.

Apparently the author has been invited to the next meal selection tests by Virgin.

Sorry, but that did nothing for me.

I thought it was poorly written and his constant repetition of the name Richard throughout the text, when it is clearly evident that he doesn't know him was condescending and rude.

Now THIS is a well written letter!

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put you on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the authorized contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year!

Your Humble Client,

(Name Withheld)

oh no this man can spell and punctuate

i think i have found my hero and role model........

a loon of the very best kind

Dave

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.

They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.

The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today.

My instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid.

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.

When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention, Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman.

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager.

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman.

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.

However, I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.




Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

On the shelf under the medicine cabinet, 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser, 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On the bedroom dresser, 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside the medicine cabinet, 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In the shower soap dish, 6 Camay, very moist.

On the northeast corner of the tub, 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

On the northwest corner of the tub, 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.

Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip over.

May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Excellent!

i have never laughed so hard in me life

Excellent! Very Alan Partridge!

the bank one is excellent, i would love to have worked at that bank to have seen their faces.