More rubbish joke's from Woody

[Anonymous]

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A f ew minutes later the little girl comes back to the
phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn' t know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool???? . . .

Is this 01322....................

[Anonymous]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


"You sign! You sign!"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


"You sign! You sign!"


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:















(It's a beauty)
















(Wait for it)

















(Get your best Chinese accent ready)















''You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[steveo]

ahah funny stuff odd ones

[Anonymous]

Dadd and baby polar bear walking along in the snow!
baby polar bear asks "Dad, am I a polar bear?"
Daddy replies "Yes, you are son! look at all your lovely white fur just like daddy's!"
They walk a bit further until baby turns to daddy and ask "Dad, are you sure I'm a polar bear?"
Daddy again replies "Yes, you are son! You have lovely white fur and look at your big paws. Paws of a polar bear they are, son!"
They carry on walking until the baby polar bear stops and asks daddy " Are you really sure I'm a polar bear?
Daddy turns to baby and says "Look son,you have white fur,big paws and I'm a polar bear and I'm your daddy! Why do you keep asking?"

" I'm bloody cold, thats why!"





I'm on the stella, can you tell?

[Anonymous]

An american indian was paddling his canoe down the river in winter, he was feeling a bit cold so decided to light a fire in his boat ... the fire burned through the canoe and it sank killing the indian ...


which goes to prove you can't have your "kayak and heat it"

[Anonymous]

Al qaeda have been planting bombs disguised as alphabetti spaghetti, they say if they explode it could spell disaster....

[Scooby]

Woody,what ever your on send some this way.....very good mate.

Rich..

[Anonymous]

love em brilliant thanks mate

[Anonymous]

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.




I was in the jungle and saw this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana". He said, "No, this is for the custard".



Cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'



I'll get mi coat.

[db]

Bloody awful!
Damn funny tho!